Forgiveness is hard, but what if you are making it even harder than it has to be?
What if the way you’ve been practicing forgiveness is harmful to you and others?
Over the last decade I’ve counseled so many people who have been deeply hurt by someone else and struggled to move past it. They were hurt by a parent, a best friend, or someone who promised to love them “till death do them part.”
We all have lived long enough to have been betrayed, stabbed in the back, or have something shared publicly that was supposed to be kept private. How you handle that hurt has a huge impact on your life now and in the future. If you don’t deal with it in a healthy way you will become a bitter and resentful person.
While I’m at it there is more bad news…you’re going to be hurt again in the future. So you have to learn how to deal with it.
When you refuse to deal with the hurt and pain it fuels most of the dysfunctions in your relationships. You walk around with a low grade fever of anger that just fertilizes your bitterness and resentment. You want to move past it but it just seems like there is always something there to remind you.
Your bell just keeps getting rung.
The moment you think you’ve forgotten it and moved on you see them out and it stirs up all of those feelings again…your bell is rung. Or you see them tagged in a Facebook post or Instagram photo…cue the bell…you see them in the company newsletter…cue the bell…you’re listening to country music and that song reminds you…the bell just seems to echo and vibrate the pain through every season of life.
Maybe you’ve given up on forgiveness because it seems impossible to ever forget. Which leads us to our first dumb belief about forgiveness…
DUMB BELIEFS:
1. Forgiveness means forgetting.
There are lots of verses telling us to forgive (Col. 3:13, Eph. 4:32, Mark 11:25, Matt. 6:14-15, Matt. 18:21-22), but there isn’t a single verse telling us to forget. How in the world can you erase a memory? In some cases it would be unwise to forget.
Imagine you hired a contractor to remodel your bathroom. He didn’t finish the job and took your money. You “forgive and forget” and now it’s time to remodel your kitchen so you hire the same contractor who is all too willing to take your money again. Dumb.
2. Forgiveness means we pick up where we left off.
This is a big one. Usually the offender will try to manipulate the offendee at this point… “I said I was sorry…can’t you just forgive and forget? Why can’t we just move on?”
Don’t confuse forgiveness with trust. They are two completely different things.
-Forgiveness is instant…Trust is not
-Forgiveness is not earned…Trust is earned
-Forgiveness is your part…Trust is their part
So if someone beats you or abuses you…just because they say “I’m sorry” doesn’t mean it’s okay to pick up where you left off and act like nothing happened. That would be dumb, and you’re not.
Maybe you’re reading this and you’re the one who messed up big time and you are trying hard to make it right…just realize it’s going to take time to earn that trust again. I’m sure it’s frustrating but it’s part of the process and consequences. Don’t stop.
3. Forgiveness means it wasn’t a big deal.
Of course it was a big deal! It hurt like crazy and you cried yourself to sleep. Stop acting all macho. It’s okay to admit you’re hurt.
4. Forgiveness means I let them off the hook.
We mistakenly think that if we forgive them we are letting them off the hook. It feels like they are going scott free with no consequences, while you are suffering.
You are letting them off your hook, but they are still on God’s hook.
5. Forgiveness is something I just do once.
Forgiveness isn’t something you do once and it’s done. You may have to forgive that person 100 times for one single event. Every time your bell gets rung you’ll have to decide again to forgive. I guarantee you there will be something that reminds you of the past hurt and pain.
After awhile the choice will get easier. How long? It depends on how deep the pain is.
What Does Forgiveness Mean?
It simply means: I give up my right to get even.
I stop trying to make them pay. I stop trying to make them hurt. I stop trying to get even. I leave it in God’s hands.
In the Old Testament it was an eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth, but Jesus gave us a new way to live. What would happen if you stopped trying to make them pay?
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. -Ephesians 4:31-32
Sometimes we forget how much God has forgiven us. Sometimes we forget that our hands aren’t as clean as we think they are. We’ve hurt others too.
When we mess up the first thing we say is, “No one’s perfect.” But when someone else messes up we’re angry. We expect perfection even though we know we aren’t.
Ever look back on your past and shudder when you think about who you used to be? If you’re like me you thank God He has and still is changing you. We don’t want people to look at us as that young punk. We forget others have the same potential to change and grow, but God doesn’t forget.
When you think about your legacy I bet you don’t want to be remembered as a bitter, angry, hurt person who is stuck in the past. Instead you want to be remembered for the fruit of God’s Spirit living in you…love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control.
Giving up your right to get even is hard enough without the dumb beliefs we add to it. God has lots He wants you to do in the future, but you can’t do it if you’re stuck in the past. Today is your day to let it go.
Like these people did…
